How kindness works?

This one is partly inspired by kind-hearted, who mentioned that I hadn't blogged "in a while."

I'm dedicating this blog to kindness (not kind-hearted...hehe...you already got one dedicated to you). After watching Fruits Basket, (and still hoping to watch it with my mommy for a fourth time), I have been constantly trying to be a kinder, better person. I believe I have done a pretty good job too. I have spent more time with Green, who just recently turned 9, I have been MORE accepting of people, and have been trying to love more and judge less.

But, you see, as someone tries to become kinder, it isn't always a perfect system, because it causes more friction with people who are extremely judgemental, it's hard not to be judgemental ,and maybe equally rude, to someone who is going against your new strong beliefs. I've been accepting though, just not openly or obviously accepting...which I've never been number one at to begin with.

Let me give you a few examples of my struggles that all occurred at my new lifeguarding job this past Monday. Well to start off, I was somewhat clueless because, although, I had gotten certified recently, I had no idea about the cleaning or maintenance of the pool. When the pool manager came to the pool, she brought with her some wonderful help. His name, I could barely pronounce, but it sounded something similar to the American word "dish." So, after telling Dish it was my first day and that I was pretty clueless, he told me "not to worry" and "he would help" in his thick Bulgarian accent. Yep. That's right. He was a transfer student from Bulgaria who had been a lifeguard for 5 years and spoke pretty decent english (he never misunderstood anything I said). And not only did I accept this, but I thought it was AWESOME! It made me feel so American and so unknowledgable. I respected that he had the guts to be here in a foriegn country and looked up to him, since I might be planning to go somewhere someday. I could only imagine lifeguarding at a pool in a different country and speak a language that I'm not confident I can fully communicate well in. He was also very accepting and sarcastically funny; he was a big part of why my first day at work was a good one.

So onto my next attempt to be accepting. There was this girl at the pool, who looked about 12 years old and she was spending time with two younger girls (who looked to be about 9 or 10). She reminded me a lot of a friend I used to have because she was extremely bossy, liked to be the best and in control, and laughed at the other two girls, A LOT. Now as I though about these reasons for not liking this girl and watched her more, I realized that when I was younger, I acted like her before too, and she must be feeeling insecure about herself and she must feel she needs to prove herself, especially since she is older and "more mature" than the other girls she was hanging out with. So I told myself to accept her, and hoped that she would still find happiness and not always feel like she has to prove herself.

And to complete the circle, I have one more (failed) attempt at kindness.
There were a group of boys from the ages of 9-13 that stayed at the pool from 12 to 7 pm (the whole day) and were born (or should I say bred) troublemakers. This group was influend by one of the older boys who was just an overall mean boy and BAD influence. He was throwing balls in people's faces that he had just met, making fun of everyone, diving in the shallow end, not getting fully away from the water and sticking his feel in during adult swim, and this could go on, but the problem was, I would warn him once and he would never do the same thing wrong twice. He was either really smart or really sneaky. But I noticed this group of boys were all talking to Dish when he was on the stand and they were laughing and being obnoxious. Then I heard one of the kids call him stupid, and I SAW WHICH ONE OF THEM SAID IT. Dish was clearly upset and trying figure out who it was and kick the kid out, but they weren't respecting him and they thought his accent was funny and they weren't clearly responding to him. So I walked over there and I threw kindness out the window...I wasn't going to be able to get through to these kids by being kind (like I had all day). I walked over with the intent of getting it through to them, that if they ever disrespect him or any lifeguard like that again, they WILL NOT be swimming in this pool.

I said in a very firm voice, "Did someone call him stupid?"

They all look at me and then look at the kid who said it and a few of them pointed.

I then look straight at him, "Did YOU call him stupid?"

He looks menacingly at me and then flashes a quick smile before replying, "Maybe..."

I then say something to the extent of, "Yes. You did. That is EXTREMELY disrespectful. You DO NOT call a lifeguard stupid. We take it very SERIOUSLY. This is our only warning, and if you ever disrepect him like that again, we have EVERY RIGHT to kick you out of the pool."

No one was smiling. (except maybe Dish...just a little.)

No one said anything...until I looked at the kid one more time and said, in a much kinder and understanding voice, "Do you understand?"

He nodded and replied "Yes mam."

And before walking away I replied "Thank you."

I looked up at Dish and he look grateful that I had helped him handle the situation (cause really I could have just sat on my butt and let him handle it...but they were being so rude...I had to intervene...I had been on auto-drive and I was blinded by their out-right rude behavior to someone who had been so accepting and kind to me). He also said a few things to reconfirm to them that we really did have the right to not let them swim at the pool if they weren't behaving. This whole even had occurred and hour or so before the pool closed (or should I say "we closed the pool"), and after the incident, every one of those kids behaved like angels.

So I'm trying my best to be kind, while still ensuring pool safety. Which is definetly not an easy task. And of course still trying to be kind in my everyday life, which is not as challenging as lifeguarding, but is by no means simple. But as Tohru (heroine from Fruits Basket) says "Kindness isn't something people are born with..." I also believe kindness is something you have to work at, but it is more than worth the effort.

"Love all, Trust a few, Do harm to none."
-Shakespeare

Musical Phones

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I DESPISE PLANNING!

I have been kind of planning to go to this movie night with my best friend Hysterical (who I haven't seen in over a year). Well I say planning, but really I have been wanting to and didn't realize until last night that I probably won't have a ride to go because my dad will be gone and a lot of unthought about details that keep me from just going over to someone's house.


I know that when I'm planning on going somewhere I have a list of recquirements that need to be met if my parental units are going to allow me to go. Such as...

-Location, Location, Location

-Directions to said location (which sometimes requires a lot of phone calls and confusion and looking up online and relooking up online)

-Who will be there? (Such as who will be watching you to make sure you aren't getting into trouble and will your boyfriend be there...)

-Names

-Sometimes they want extra phone numbers so they can get a hold of you

-If it isn't them driving you, they will want to know who (who's parents they are, who's kids they are, who old they are, how long they have had their license...etc.)

-How long will you be there?

-When will you be getting dropped off or When will I need to pick you up?

-What you will be doing there and are you going to be going anywhere else?

-You will have your cell phone right?


So you get the idea right...A LOT of stuff, A LOT of details, A LOT of confusion


*sigh*


so in this particular case I will go back to a conversation I had a month ago with my friend Hysterical:
Me: Hay!

Hysterical: Hi!

Me: I know I said I could go yesterday, but my friends were supposedly planning a surprise birthday party for me and I can't miss it. So I won't be able to go tomorrow night....I'm sorry.

Hysterical: Oh, well that's okay. *laughs to herself* I don't get how they can have a surprise birthday party though if you know about it.

Me: *Laughs* I know...they had to tell me when I was going to go to your house instead...but I guess it is still KIND OF a surprise because I don't know what's going on.

the conversation lasted a few more minutes while I apologized more and we laughed about totally random things.

Then last friday she wanted to do something but then her parents went out of town and she couldn't.

Now this Friday she wants to and I can't find a ride to save my life. I don't want to burden kind-hearted and my oldest sister will only drive so far...



(several hours, phone calls, arguements, and misinterpretations later...)

I now can luckily make it only because her father was nice enough to drive all the way up here to pick me up and all the way back to drop me off at midnight thirty in the morning. Wow...I hope things will be easier next movie night...

Did I mention that I despise planning?

I think this is a sign that I need to get my license...

"WOW" he said.

So my boyfriend, let's call him kind-hearted, and I were spending some time at his house. My closest sister and her boyfriend were there too and we were all hanging out. again. We started playing video games like guitar hero and super smash brothers. which was pretty fun. until it wasn't and then we decided to put in a movie. It was kind of a weird, but good movie with a "what the hell were they thinking leaving us hanging like that?!?!?!" ending. I did manage to pay attention to it even though kind-hearted was cuddling with me. So after this movie we all decided to go upstairs and play a few more video games such as rock band (similar to guitar hero, but with more intruments and parts) that I kicked butt on the drums and some combat game that I didn't take part in because I already knew (from previos attempts) that I couldn't play well enough to not end up constantly shot down. So I read a chapter of my book while kind-hearted played and kicked everyone's butt at a game he had practically mastered. As I read, I half paid attention and cheered and laughed at them. Now this is the good part of my story...



Kind-hearted had been talking to me about how he hasn't yet had a kiss and how he wants his first kiss to be. He told me that he wanted it to be in the rain. Now we had been planning to hang out on tuesday since the past weekend and late sunday night (while we were talking on myspace) he sent me a weather report showing me that there were supposed to be thunderstorms on tuesday and under the link he wrote "So what do you think?"



This was one of the many questions that he had asked me that night, because we had been (again) playing the game of truth...which is just like truth or dare...without the dare. I had been the first one to actually bring up the conversation of kissing in the first place about a week before(but that is another story entirely...). So on tuesday after this combat game we finally decide on another movie to watch and I believe it was "Dungeons and Dragons" a kind of weird adventure quest kind of movie with a similar ending as the last one we watched. When we were downstairs before there had been two couches and we got on one while my sister and her boyfriend were on another. This time though we were upstairs and now they had stolen the couch and we got to share this huge chair. Before he starts the movie though...he looks outside and says "It's raining a little. I thought I heard it." He looked at me. It was funny that anyone who saw him say this and didn't know that he had wanted to kiss me in the rain could totally take it as him just randomly talking about the weather, but my cheeks were all flushed and we were both smiling. We didn't end up going outside though and we started to watch the movie...


Now before I go on...kind-hearted is always smiling and happy, it is really hard to see this guy frown (and kind of sad when he does). I was his friend for over a year before I was his girlfriend and I can probably count on one hand how many times I have seen kind-hearted upset or sad. So I wasn't surprised that as I was sitting next to him and holding him and messing with his hair that he kept smiling at me (and I at him). As my mom always says "It's not worth it if it isn't fun...", and kind-hearted is always fun to be around and makes you smile. I've known this about him and is one of the many things I love about him.

Another thing is that previous to kind-hearted I have had two boyfriends, and both of them were lousy, sloppy, and meaningless kissers. I have spoken my peace. I felt that I only kissed them because we both figured it was "the next step" and not something we both wanted because we had fallen for each other and that it is a wonderful thing to have when you love and admire that other someone. I always felt at pressure with the other two...and tended to not want to be with them. With kind-hearted though...I feel at ease when I think of him and miss him often (even when he isn't with me he is constantly making me smile). So I have been wanting to kiss him...but I wanted it to be when he wanted it.

Now as we were sitting there watching this movie I knew a few times as he looked at me that he wanted to kiss me. I mean it was getting that vibe. But I figured this wasn't what he had asked for and he wanted to kiss in the rain...so I ignored his signals and would turn away and just kind of giggle or smile. I wasn't uncomfortable though...I was still just trying to give him what he had asked for, but then he looked at me that way again and didn't really give me a chance to stop him. So we kissed. It was gentle and sweet and there was just something behind that kiss that felt so...pure. I had never thought of a kiss that way before and now I know what the movies are talking about. He was smiling as usual and totally happy to be cuddled close to me (just as before). We probably watched another twenty minutes of the movie before we kissed again. This time is wasn't just one kiss, but many gentle, pure, sweet kisses. I was messing with his hair and trailing my finger on his face, and when we stopped he said "WOW". I smiled. I said "WOW what?" and he replied "Just....WOW. that was amazing." and he did a kind of goofy grin and rested his head on my shoulder. a minute went by as I though about how amazing I thought he was and how this was definitely the most meaningful and special moment I have had with anyone romantically. I didn't tell him this though and then he says "I'm glad my first kiss was with you."

I first almost took this as an insult...like he was just getting started with kissing girls and that I would just be the first. But then I thought about it more, and realized that he was just glad that his first kiss had been with me and had been, as he put it, "amazing". I then thought that it most likely wasn't something that was rarely said when a guy gets his first kiss. But then.....after that amazing moment and that pure feeling those words seemed very meaningful and like a huge compliment. "I'm glad my first kiss was with you" suddenly had a deeper meaning. It didn't matter if others had used those words just to say them...because I know that kind-hearted had deeply meant them. I could feel those words...they became embedded into that pure feeling. After that movie...kind-hearted said "let's watch another movie...we might be able to finish before I have to take you guys home." and we did watch another movie. Transformers, though, I had already seen before, and I didn't even get to finish the ending before he had to take me and my sister home.

I called kind-hearted tonight and we talked for about an hour and then fell into kind of a silence (which we have also talked about and we both agreed that we don't really mind it) and we decided after about thirty minutes of silence between each other because we were kind of doing other things (he was watching TV with family and I was eating dinner), we decided to play truth again. And eventually we got brave enough to talk about yesterday. I had asked what his favorite part about yesterday was... and he told me "that although kissing you was amazing I thought that being able to hold you all night was my favorite part." (Awww, did I say that I love him?) He had asked me why I had had like the kiss, after I had finally owned up to him that I though it was the best kiss I had had....ever. I also said that it felt meaningful and deep. that I thought it was pretty WOW too. (and I didn't tell him this but to me it wasn't just the surface of to pairs of lips touching but two souls that had been coming together and had finally touched and known each other's true feelings. that is pretty much what it felt like. what I had been wanting it too feel like.) I think I can finally say that I know what a "hollywood movie kiss" feels like. We didn't have music swelling and fireworks, but we had each other and that was it...and it was awesome. He told me after I asked him on the phone tonight "what was so wow about it?".....well all he could say (in a quiet kind of embaressed voice) "I don't know it was just amazing..(5 second pause)..chills went up my spine." I wish he could have seen me smile. I laughed though. He's told me he loves my laugh.

Well, that was my kiss with kind-hearted and I just felt that I should put it out there. I don't know if anyone has felt anything like this before...or if it's a common thing for people who feel really close to someone to experience...maybe that's why I wrote it all down...so I could find out.
I mean I kissed a guy....AND I LIKED IT!!!! That is and amazing step for me, and an amazing pure moment with one of the greatest and happiest people I know, admire, and even love.